There’s nothing quite like some hot erotica to turn you on and give you a spark of spontaneity with your partner. However, if you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, your sex stories might read as exciting as last week’s newspaper.
It’s all too common: You get comfortable, slip into a routine, and sooner or later you find yourself in a sexual rut. The same moves, the same setting, the same everything.
Not to worry, there’s hope yet! The good news is that you’re completely capable of changing things for the better. By taking charge, you can make sure you and your partner get everything you want out of your time together, and that your mattress springs start getting one hell of a regular workout.
You might think that rejuvenating your sex life starts in the bedroom, but that’s not necessarily the case. In fact, the first step to improving things involves no touching at all.
It might be a little awkward at the beginning, but discussing your sexual needs with your partner is crucial for a healthy sex life. Professionals such as relationship expert Dr. Kat agree that open communication about intimacy with your partner more often than not leads to better, more frequent sex. And Dr. Kat certainly knows her stuff! According to her bio on Adam & Eve (where she also writes articles), she’s a certified Clinical Sexologist and a Marriage & Family Therapist, among other things. If you’re confident enough to be open about what you want, your partner might feel more comfortable expressing their desires as well. As Kat said herself:
“[We] all know sex isn’t just about sex, it’s about communication, self-esteem, general health and wellbeing; it’s connected to everything in our lives.”
It wouldn’t be uncommon for the first step to lead you to a spontaneous session between the sheets, but there’s more you can do before the bedroom that will make your time together even better.
Doing the “prep work” yourself is a great way to ensure that you both get what you need. While masturbating or touching yourself might seem like the go-to, the brain is far more involved in helping or hindering a woman from achieving orgasm than physical touch. For a female to reach orgasm, our minds have to be ready far before our bodies are. Some women even get so good at mentally putting themselves in the mood, they can make themselves orgasm without any physical contact.
If you can’t seem to telepathically turn yourself on, try watching some pornography, or use that erotica to your advantage. Not only can you get some new ideas, but you’ll also be in a sexier state of mind when the time is right.
When you do make it to the bedroom, (I know — finally) just as you did with the prep work, it’s perfectly okay to take control of your own orgasms during the act. Putting the pressure entirely on your partner can cause anxiety, and will often leave you disappointed.
Instead, try to pleasure yourself while you and your partner are intimate. No one knows your body better than you. If you’re partner isn’t quite hitting the mark, try rubbing your clit or using a toy on yourself while they penetrate you, or change to a position that hits your G-spot more.
You might feel a little overbearing at first, but just remember that men find a lot more positions satisfying than women do. The vast disparity between the ease of which each sex reaches climax is known by researchers as the “orgasm gap.” In fact, men are able to get off about 50% more of the time than women. So chances are if a certain position feels amazing for you, it feels pretty great for him too.
Most importantly, if your partner is doing something you like, or you’ve found a position that feels good, say so! You’ll get the satisfaction of great sex, and your partner will gain confidence knowing that they’re driving you wild, not to mention that hearing so will probably turn them on even more.
To make things a little more exciting for you both, use some of those ideas from your book! Opt for some morning shower sex to really wake yourselves up. If you live alone, any surface of your house can provide a sexy setup—kitchen counters, dining table, staircase, or just up against a wall. Your options are endless.
The worse thing you can do when you’re feeling things fade is stay silent. With open communication, little changes can go a long way. You don’t need cheap tricks from magazines to put the spark back into your intimacy. Just don’t be afraid to speak up about what you want, in and out of the bedroom. Your sex life, and your partner, will thank you for it!